 |
Stonham Barns Golf Centre Stonham Aspal, Suffolk, IP14 6AT |
| You are not logged in. Click here to log in. My Account |
- Golf Clubs
- Accessories
- Golf Balls
- Golf Bags
- Golf Clothing
- Golf Shoes
- Juniors
-
Golf Trolleys
- Shop by Category
- Pull Trolleys
- Push Trolleys
- Sun Mountain Trolleys
- Masters Golf Trolleys
- iCart Trolleys
- Powakaddy Golf Trolleys
- Motocaddy Electric Trolleys
- HillBilly Electric Golf Trolley
- Stewart Golf Electric Trolleys
- Golf I Zone
- Shop by Category
- Golf Improvement Zone
PRODUCT SEARCH 
Golf Jokes
Here are a few Golfing jokes for your amusement
One day a pastor saw that it was a beautiful Sunday morning to play golf. So he debated if he should go to church or go play golf. Finally he decided to play golf so he called in sick, packed up and drove three hours to a course where no one would know him. As he teed up on the first hole an angle told god what he saw and demanded that he be punished. On the first hole the pastor swung and hit a hole in one 350 yds. away. "The angle looked at God and said that’s not what I had in mind." And God said "who's he gonna tell."
A man dials 911, and tells the operator to send the police over right away, for his wife is dead on the living room floor.
The police arrive, find a dead female on the living room floor, and a bloodied 3-iron on the floor beside her.
"Is this your wife?" they ask the man. "Yes," he replies.
"It appears she was struck eight times with this 3-iron. Did you do this?" they ask.
"Yes," he replies, "but could you put me down for a 5?"
Hacker: I am new to golf, when should I use my putter?
Expert: Before dark I hope!!
Golf is a game where you hit five,
yell fore,
and write down three.
Paddy Murphy played a round of golf with the club pro. and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse, paddy asked the pro. what he taught the pro. said I reckon you need to have your clubs shortened by 1 inch, paddy asked do you think this will help my game no! says the pro. it will help them fit in the trash can.
A married couple are in bed and the wife says to the husband "would you re-marry if I died." The husband replied "I guess, the kids would need a mother and I might be lonely." The wife said "would you give her my car?" The husband said "well, your dead, you don't need it." The wife said "would you give her my jewellery?" The husband said "I guess, unless you want to be buried with them!"
The wife said "would you give her my golf clubs?" The husband said "no, she not right handed!!!"
Why do golfers were two pairs of pants when playing golf?
Just in case they get a hole in one!
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered, "I used YOUR 7-iron!"
Why do they call it golf?
Because all the other four letter words were already taken!
A duck walks into a Golf Club Bar and asks the bartender for a beer, the bartender looks back "how you going to pay for that, you’re a duck". The duck replies "On, no problem, just put it on my bill".
"I just got a new set of golf clubs for my husband," says the wife to her friend. "Gee, what a great trade," replies the friend.
At a Golf Course, the four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway runs along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tyre of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?" Without hesitation, he said, "You have to know the bus timetable."
My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.''
When medieval man jumped up and down and banged sticks on the ground they called it WITCH CRAFT when modern man does the same thing they call it GOLF.
A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score.What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"
"10" said the caddy.
"Great, you'll do perfectly!"
A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score.What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?""10" said the caddy."Great, you'll do perfectly!"
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.
One of his golfing mates remarks: "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"
"Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough, it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes."
"That's great. Where did you get it?"
He replied, "I found it."
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.One of his golfing mates remarks: "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?""Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough, it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes.""That's great. Where did you get it?"He replied, "I found it."
A man, about to tee off felt a tap on his shoulder and a bloke handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
Nick, an avid golfer uses a "Medium" to ask if Heaven has a Golf Course.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
Several days later, Nick gets a call from the Medium.
"Well, what did you find out?" asks Nick.
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK," "what's the good news" Nick said excitedly.
"Well, there's is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!
"And the bad news?" asked Nick
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10 in the morning!"
A married couple are at their breakfast table. The wife says to her husband: "Honey, if I die before you will you remarry?"
"Well," says the husband, "we have had a good marriage, so, yes, I'd probably remarry."
A few minutes later she asks: "Honey, if I die before you, and you remarry, would you bring her to live in our house?"
He thinks about this then says, "Well, we worked hard to pay off the mortgage and it would be silly to move someplace else so, yes, I think I would bring her to live here."
Another few minutes go by, then she says, "Honey, if I die before you and you remarry and you bring her to live here in our house, would you let her use my golf clubs?"
"Don't be ridiculous," he blurts out, "she's a lefty!"
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away. "Quick," said the one ant to the other. "Get on the ball before he kills us."
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Jim had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!" "Hey, good trade!" replied the friend!
Rab addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
Rab and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet.
"Good heavens" said Rab, "what shall I do?"
"Don't move him" said his playing partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it
two club lengths away."
A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.
Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.
The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"
Basket Summary Your shopping basket is empty Follow Golf Direct UK on
Contact Us Customer Reviews Delivery Information Secure Online Shopping 
Keyword Search 
Golf Direct News Latest products 
GOLF DIRECT ARE AN AUTHORISED GOLF EQUIPMENT INTERNET PARTNERS WITH
Callaway | Nike | Mizuno | Titleist | Cobra | TaylorMade | Footjoy | Powakaddy | Adidas | Wilson
Terms & Conditions | Privacy Policy | Delivery Information | Returns Policy | Customer Comments
Secure Online Shopping | Sitemap | Price Beat Promise | Contact Us | Gift Certificates | Customer Services | Golf Direct History | Your Basket
All major credit cards accepted including:
Telephone: 01449 711545 E-Mail : sales@golf-direct.co.uk Copyright © 2012 Golf Direct UK
